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Man In The Woods

I am extremely lucky enough to have an amazing sister who loves all different types of music and enjoys experiencing live concerts. Tonight the two of us, along with her friend and my cousin went to see Justin Timberlake in Oakland. Man, the kid put on a good show, but in all honesty, I really wasn’t there. I mean I was there, I was listening, feeling, watching, But my mind was wondering in the woods. I loved seeing the expressions on my sister and cousins faces. They were so genuinely happy to be there and see him it was really special to witness. That part made me happy. It lit me up inside. His song selection made me happy. The vibe made me happy. It had all the makings of a happy night. And it was. There was something that made it semi-unfulfilling.

Maria wasn’t there. Do I deserve to be happy? Do I deserve to be here?

I keep asking myself questions like this.

Maria’s not here with me, I love to dance but something in me won’t let me. I can’t find it. She’s not here. SHES NOT FREAKIN HERE MAN! ARRHG! (On some level she is of course) But tonight, Again, she’s gone

When all this is over, I’m going back to my room, in the bed that we shared, alone with her scarf, some photos and the journal she wrote under my pillow. I just want to feel again what her and I shared. 

Love on another level.

In the middle of his set they play this video about falling in love with the person you’re destined for and how special the magic is. Your damn right it’s magic man, it’s special I had to hold back my tears and snap myself out of it. Empty smiles. Blank expressions. Cherish it deeply because once it’s gone it’s gone, I don’t want to give up hope but I’m so fuckin lonely. I feel all alone. In a stadium filled with thousands of people, I’m the one in the crowd who’s trying his hardest to fit in. And people know. They sense it. I’m out there. I’m not like the rest. I’m Slipping away into oblivion. 

The concert ends, time to head home.

My shine dims when I’m alone. I talk down to myself and then try to immediately check myself afterwards but sometimes the damage is already done. I feel broken because I couldn’t save Maria Or I don’t deserve happiness, because she’s not here to enjoy it with me On some level I think this was wished upon me And if it was, was I that bad of a person to deserve such a sentence? What did I do God?

I rack my mind over it. 

I try to make peace with the past. I was never malicious or intentionally tried to hurt anyone or anything. I’ve constantly gone over my life’s work with a fine toothed comb to clean up or assess any discrepancies but there’s nothing that I haven’t already made amends with. 

There’s got to be something, there has to be someway I can fix this. I’m no saint, but I’m no sinner either. I love. I love hard and full. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve let people down, I’ve let myself down, For once in my life I thought things were getting back on track when Maria miraculously re-entered my life, then the rug gets swept right out from under me when she passed. Now it’s a constant struggle just to function normally around people. Around anyone lately I don’t know man, it’s weird

I feel like I want to boogie, but I just can’t shake a tail feather. But the beat goes on. And I try to get back in the grove.

One day I’ll dance again.

One day at a time. I am so very happy for my cousin, and my sister and her friend. It was really beautiful to see them all smile so much. They all had a really great time and although I had difficulties getting over a few hurdles in my mind, it did make me super incredibly happy inside to see them happy. 

That really warmed my heart so. More of that God please and thank you.

My family deserves to be happy, they’ve given me so much, I hope someday I can do the same. Peace and Love Forever


Lively Up Yourself - Bob Marley & The Wailers
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