It’s been a while since I’ve posted.
The past two months have been pretty surreal.
I experienced an intense meditation about 8 or 9 months after Maria transitioned that absolutely blew me away. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. I was able to flip through the pages of my life like scrolling through a Rolodex.
I came to a point in my life when I was high school and because of my immaturity, and lack of knowledge of God, I swore him off and all of his blessings because I just didn’t know what I was doing. It all makes sense to me now.
I know God is real. It took losing Maria to finally understand that.
From that moment in high school my life took off in a trajectory that I never envisioned for myself. The life I imagined I would have was destroyed by my ego and 3rd dimensional perspective. Materialism took over and I turned into a shadow of the person I believed I was.
For years I made poor decisions, mostly hurting myself, but I know I also hurt many along the way. Not out of maliciousness, but out of lack of self love. From that moment in high school, until my first awakening in 2007, I was living in a very low vibrational pattern. I was slowly killing myself through negative thoughts that led to overeating, severe alcoholism and drug abuse.
It wasn’t until I had ended up dying in a hospital from those behaviors that forced me to make a decision to wake up from that slumber.
I saw the effect it had on my mom and I swore I never would drink again. (It will be 13 years this December 1st.)
I woke up big time.
For 5 years after that initial time spent in the hospital that I tirelessly put all my efforts into getting back to my former self.
I swore off alcohol and unhealthy foods.
I worked out daily to burn off the 100 extra pounds I put on due to such behavior.
I tuned to my creativity to feel the spark of life and felt I was finally soaring.
But something was still off.
In 2012 I had another awakening.
Although I was in a better place physically and mentally something spiritually was missing.
In 2012, I went inward to find out what was lacking.
I noticed I was still following patterns that were detrimental to my development.
I was quick to jump into relationships or situations that didn’t resonate with my spirit.
After two years of struggling with this emptiness, I came to another awakening moment in 2014.
I realized it’s me. Everything is me.
I needed to go further inward.
In 2014, I took a vow of celibacy to reboot my system.
For 3 years I prayed (but didn’t actually know I was praying.)
During this time I still hadn’t reconnected with God, I was still in the habit of calling that energy “the universe” or “the creator” but I didn’t call it God.
Then in 2017, Maria came into my life again.
We had known each other in high school and we had hung out for a time after we graduated but nothing ever came from it until now.
God’s timing is perfect.
When Maria came back into my life I knew it was ”the universe” (God) who provided.
We had so much in common. It was magic.
I prayed and prayed for the universe to bless me with a companion on this Earth to share journeys with and God handed it to me.
Maria and I were peas in a pod. The way we were, the way we thought, what we wanted to do on this planet. It was what I always wanted.
Then the cancer.
We discussed marriage, kids, our future.
The cancer never scared us. We thought we could beat it.
But in an instant it was all taken away.
I wrestled and wrestled with her transition.
I still do. It’s natural.
It took 440+ days for me to reach some sort of understanding. And I’m still not quite there, I don’t think I’ll ever be. Losing someone you love, someone you plan a future with is difficult to bear.
Instead of pushing God out again for not getting what I wanted, I invited him in and asked him why?
I sat in darkness for months praying for clarity.
Asking and asking.
Praying to find my way back her, praying for something..
That’s when I realized, nothing is the answer.
There is no answer, it just is.
You can spend eternity trying to figure it out. Sulking, saddened, hurt and alone.
Or you can push all that down (or rather, lift it up to God) and look for the silver lining.
Of course it hurts. This wound is something I will carry with me till I leave this planet, until her and I are reunited somewhere on a beach in heaven.
Our time here is limited and I was blessed to have spent time with her. She showed me so much beauty and love.
She was my flame, and although she now shines in the heavens, my light on earth is out.
God, I trust you have a plan.
God, I’m leaning on you like I’ve never leaned on you before.
God help me.
God, I pray you can find it within you’re gracious heart to help me reach a place of clarity and understanding.
God, I pray you can provide me with comfort and show me guidance and lead the way.
God I pray you can help alleviate me of the thoughts and patterns that no longer serve me, so that I may serve the people.
I have a hard time seeing what Maria saw in me, please God, help me become the man she believed in.
It’s now August 19, 2019 and the past two months have been interesting to say the least.
I took a magical trip to a land that Maria and I had always had our sights on.
Hawaii is full of energy (mana) that breathes life into me once more. For the first time in a long time I felt at home on this planet.
My friend Joanne, took me to church out there and I was really moved by what I had experienced.
I was reinvigorated.
Upon my return to the mainland, I started going to church to surround myself more in God’s language.
For many years I neglected God because of my own ego and lack of knowledge, because of what I experienced with Maria I desperately what to re-connect with him.
I know she is with him.
And through him is how I can connect with her
For the first time in a long time I received a message and it came directly from God.
And it was loud and clear.
I had been dancing in my cousins kitchen while house sitting and made a little video.
While watching that video, I broke down in tears because I realized I haven’t danced around or have had a playful demeanor in a very long time.
I saw who I actually was for the first time in forever. I was so used to seeing this empty shell of myself, to see my vessel showing signs of life was extremely overwhelming.
I fell to my hands and knees in tears, welled up with emotions.
“Will you accept me?” He said, loud and clear.
That’s all it took.
I feel wholeheartedly, in that moment, I rekindled my relationship with God.
I’ve repented for my past behavior, I asked for forgiveness for hurting anyone and I forgave all those who have “hurt” me. I have said prayers for all who have come into my life, good and bad.
To repent is to find your way back.
It’s all a part of who we are.
We all make mistakes, but God loves us no matter what.
Everything we’ve been through is a part of the plan. God’s divine plan.
I don’t know what that plan is, but I’d like to believe it’s good so that all this suffering is not in vain.
So each day I wake, if I feel good, if I feel bad, I thank God.
That’s all I can do at this point.
God, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life but I thank you for it.
I am blessed and have been blessed.
It’s all a matter of perspective.
I got to experience Maria’s love.
For that alone I am blessed.
Thank you Heavenly Father for this life.
Thank you for this breath.
Thank you for these eyes.
Thank you for these ears.
Thank you for this mouth.
Thank you for this body.
Thank you for this mind.
Thank you for this spirit.
Thank you for my soul.
I can’t do anything without you.
And everything I do is with you.
There was a time in my life when I pushed you out, now I am getting closer to you than ever before and I feel blessed to have made it to this point of understanding.
Please watch over Maria. I know she’s safe by your side.
Please watch over the people I love. They need your guidance dear lord.
Please watch over the Earth. It’s a pivotal time in our existence when we must collectively come to you and I pray we do so graciously.
God you are the one who made this all possible, without you we’d be nothing.
Thank you Holy Master for this day.
I walk in your light, thank you for leading the way.
I love you.