It’s been 5 months since Maria’s past away and these last few days have been insanely difficult. I didn’t know it was humanly possible to cry this much. My tear ducts are sore. Crystalline water has been squirting out of my face for three days and I’m just trying my best to stay a float.
I try to keep myself busy but everything reminds me of her. Of what I saw, of what we experienced. It’s left such a mute taste in my mouth, on my spirit. The world is gray, no longer operating in a rainbow spectrum. (Although I see it still at times) it’s not what it once was, with Maria around. She lit up my world. I miss the love she gave me. I feel so empty. Lost. I spent so long in solitude till the universe showed me the love I’d been waiting for and she appeared. Maria was my angel on earth. Even when my mind tried to take me away from the equation my heart and spirit kept me with her. The. After finding out what we were up against I felt my love was going to make it ok. I thought we’d make it through. I thought we’d live out the rest out our lives together, but now she’s gone. And I’m here. Alone. In my thoughts. The shoulda woulda couldas, the feels, the memories, the visions, everyday. Every single day. I need answers sway. Why her!?! Why me?!? Why did she have to go through that, why put her son through that? Her parents and family? All sweet people. Why me god? Why did I have to see that? I mean ultimately it’s to “make me stronger” but that’s some bullshit. My heart is broken. I watched the woman I loved be taken away from me right before my eyes. I sat with her everyday, and tried never to leave her side because I believed with all my heart we were going to make it through this... why? Why did she go? I’m trying to be at peace with this but I feel fuckin robbed. Sorry for the language but I’m tired. At the end of the day these are all just words, which can’t even describe the depths of loss and sorrow I feel and have felt during this whole time since you’ve been gone. Maria, I’m trying my hardest to stay alive. There must be a reason, this can’t be what earth is all about. I pray you are free my love, I pray you no longer have to witness the horrors of this world, I pray you no longer feel the fears, pressures and injustices of humanity. You provided a safe place from all of that terror, and now that you’re no longer here with me physically I feel overwhelmed whelmed to face all of that alone. You knew me, we felt the same. We both wanted peace and to be with each other. Now I’m set adrift at sea all alone, no wind in my sails, no gas in the tank. not an oar to row with, no land in sight. Floating baby, floating.
I pray you’re ok Maria, no one on earth especially a spirit and soul of such tremendous beauty and strength such as yourself should have been put through such turmoil. You’re grace through it all will forever be etched in my mind. No matter how dire the situation, you fought through and through. You fought hard babe. You fought like a true warrior fuckin queen goddess, I’m so incredibly proud of you. I knew you were the one when you gave me that letter, my biggest regret is not running off with you then and there to go and get married in some secret wedding. I really thought we were gonna make it babe. I wanted to have a small little wedding with our close friends and family off in some private beach, live our lives out healing the world and making cool things together. I spend a lot of time in that parallel universe daydreaming about our life together. I see you Maria. You’re as beautiful as ever. Glowing. Vibrant. My gypsy queen. I pray you hear this, feel this on some frequency. Our love transcends space and time. I know in my heart we made that connection. I pray for Rebel. If he ever needs me I will be there for him. As difficult as this situation is for me and secluded I have become, as long as I have breath and life is granted upon me, if he need my help(or any of the children) I will be there for him (them).
As for myself I’m don’t know what lies ahead. I’m tired of pretending. I’m just a big sham. With you I felt on top of the world. But since, I feel like a big phony. I’m a 35year old burn out with nothing to show for myself. A bum. At most I’ve had over a hundred buck in my account since this all went down. It doesn’t bother me, but it has its limitations especially living here in this area. I try my hardest to be a good human being. Ive had a few slip of the tongues in some high stress situations but I’ve really kept my cool, and friend to be a good person for kids to look up to. I’m kind to the kids and animals, adults too lol. I always try and do the right thing, but it just so happens things haven’t planned out for me career wise nor financially you know this babe. We were going to work on all this. But the flame is gone, I have zero motivation for any of it, at one time I thought I was something but the reality is I’m a failed actor, a failed artist, a failed web designer, a failed screen writer, a failed photographer, a failed videographer, a college dropout. A Sham, a big phony. I’m a Wanna be healer, yogi, fitness, life coach guy, who wants world peace but real talk just got my heart fuckin ripped out my chest, and feel completely lost at the moment, so I don’t know how exactly that’s gonna pan out type ideas are goin on. Lost
I believed in us baby and it’s gone now what do I believe in? Myself?
So yeah that’s where I’m at. I love you. I love the world. I love anyone who reads this. And just because my view of the world has been dimmed, don’t allow it to dim yours. There’s always a silver lining in any situation, just gotta find it.
Till then, keep breathing my friends.