Chapter 36

May 12, 2019

 

The Beauty Of Acceptance

On April 29th 2019, we celebrated the year anniversary of the passing of my beloved Maria.
For weeks leading up to the even I was a total wreck. I dreaded the occasion, I was feeling completely broken from losing her and now a year later, those feelings and emotions seemed more prevalent than ever.

I was bursting at the seams with sadness and despair.

I’m never gonna see her again.

Never gonna touch her, feel her or hear her again.

All I have left are the wonderful memories and a beautiful journal that she wrote with pages describing our experience together. 

 

Love.

Love that I was blessed to feel.

Love so rare.

A love for the ages.

On April 27th I had a mini meltdown and honestly didn’t want to be here any longer. I had mentally checked out and wasn’t operating at my fullest potential.

My mother saw my slow descent into oblivion and decided to pick her boy up the best way she knew how.

She hugged me.

We cried together.

She explained to me in a way that was exactly what I needed to hear to provide me with a second wind I so desperately was searching for.

My mom gave me life.. 

 

again.

It was in that moment, a major shift occurred.

Something clicked in my mind when her words came through.

My mother offered me something no one else was able to do, clarity and a sense of purpose.

She assured me that Maria was in a better place and that I did a great job loving her and giving her exactly what she needed during her transition to heaven.. LOVE.

She told me everything I needed to hear and I believed it because deep down inside I knew it was true.

For a year I have been beating myself up over the loss of Maria almost as if it were my fault.

I’ve ran circles in my mind thinking I could have saved her, but after that talk, I started to feel as I Maria and I saved each other.

Prior to Maria and I getting together, she was in in relationships that were toxic and painful.

I was in transition myself. I was hurt once deeply in a relationship and made unconscious decisions afterwards to fill a void.

Maria stopped all of that. She got me back on track. She made me value a relationship and showed me once again that true love does exist.

I now know, we did this for the both of us.

It was meant to be.

We were meant to find each other and walk the path we walked.

It brought us both closer to God.

She is with him now,

And they are with me forever in my heart.

I used to go about life very nonchalant.

After all this, I know there’s meaning.

We are here for a purpose.

We are here to love, to share love, to be love.

Maria reignited a flame within me.

I didn’t want to marry and settle down, because I was scared to be hurt again but Maria changed all of that, with her, that’s all I wanted.

And now that she’s gone, 

I’m not quite sure if I’ll ever feel that again
But i felt it. I know it exists.

Love is real.

 

Cherish it.

Love is the greatest force on this planet.

Maria’s love gave me strength and confidence,

My mothers love gave me life,

Love inspires me.

Even though Maria is no longer here with me physically, her spirit is all around, giving me the will power to keep fighting.

She believed in me, she saw my strengths and magnified them, she helped me accept my weakness in order to grow from them.

I will be forever grateful for the time we shared together.

I have accepted that the time has come for me to turn the page and move on to the next chapter.

It’s never easy but it’s a part of this thing we call life.

And from this moment on I will look back at these pages with not sadness, but with pure joy knowing that we did the best we could.

 

We fought hard.

I put my complete heart and soul into this, and I’d have absolutely no fear doing it all again.

Do everything with love. Period.

The rains will come and go but the sun will always shine.

Peace and love forever.

Chapter 36 begins now.



 

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